Friday, September 20, 2013

Write...Edit...Publish: Moving on

Denise Covey is hosting Write...Edit...Publish, a monthly bloghop (details here). September's theme is "moving on" and my humble submission is offered below.  My 582-word story is not copyrighted.  Please respond with comments only.  Be sure to visit the other participants as well.  The link list is at the end of my post.


The Brass Doorknob
 
She stared at the doorknob from her seat on the couch, willing it to turn on its own so she wouldn’t have to do it herself.  The door seemed miles away. 

She looked at the clock on the wall.  5:37. It was one of those with the numbers all jumbled – 10 on the bottom, 9 where the 4 should be and so forth.  She’d found it at a yard sale.  She loved that clock.  The clock would have to stay.

Packing had been surprisingly easy.  Choosing one outfit to wear to work each morning was a nightmare but deciding what she could live without was a snap.  If it didn’t fit, it didn’t go. Toothbrush?  Check.  Pictures on the bureau – she didn’t need pictures of herself.  Of her mom?  Yes.  Of his?  Um, no.   Books?  She’d read them all.  CDs?  Most were his.  She could buy more.  Or she could come back for things, right?

No!  One-way ticket.  Don’t come back.

He slept through it all.  No surprise.  It was Saturday.  He’d be out until at least 10, normal function to resume… Monday?

Probably no sex for a while, she thought.  His t-shirt rode up over his gut.  He scratched, snored almost loud enough to wake, then rolled over.  Back to snoring – right in her ear if she’d still been lying next to him.  No sex.  Definitely a mixed blessing.

Bags were packed.  The next challenge was getting up off the couch.  The doorknob would have to wait.  Her ass was like lead on the edge of the cushion, her legs not quite strong enough to lift it.  The longer she sat, the more she could feel the tension spreading over her neck and shoulders – early rigor mortis setting in.  A deep breath.  Another one.  More snores from the bedroom.  The clock: 5:41, or 3:11 depending on how you read it.

Should she leave a note?  How long before he’d even read it?  He’d stumble into the kitchen, annoyed she hadn’t made coffee.  Back to the couch groaning over the aches, probably another 15 minutes before he realized she wasn’t there.  How long before he noticed one folded piece of paper amid all the bottles and other crap on the table?

Should she make the coffee?

With one more heavy sigh, she found the strength to stand.  The door was only about five strides in front of her – really only one direction to go.  With each step forward, a chance to step back was gone. 

For the first time, she glanced out the window to gauge the weather.  Even a day like today still has weather, she thought.  Sunrise, wisps of cloud streaking pink – beautiful, really.  No rain.  A day like this should have rain, shrouding mist, something.  But no, it was gorgeous.  Go figure.

Should she grab an umbrella?

Now, the doorknob was in reach.  Without lifting her eyes, she unlocked the top bolt.  Efforts to keep quiet seemed a bit silly now.  Even if he did wake up, he’d just assume she was out grabbing the newspaper.  She could make two trips to the car so she could grab a few more things - the clock and an umbrella, maybe.  A few CDs?

No!  One time through the door.  That’s it.

Finally, her hand was on the knob.  Only questions ahead.  Nothing but the wrong answers behind.  All she had to do was walk out the door. 

One last deep breath.  Squeeze.  Twist.

Pull.

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I hope you will consider joining the Cephalopod Coffeehouse, my bloggers' book club.  Please sign on to the link list at the top right of my blog, where there is also a link to more details.

Once again, comments only please.

As promised, following is the list of September's participants.  Be sure to visit them all:



46 comments:

  1. Hello there! Really enjoyed this. Many similarities to mine. Seems sunrise is the time to bolt. Love the motif of the clock's jumbled digits. Really riveting from start to finish.

    Thanks for supporting my monthly bloghop, Armchair. I really appreciate it. I already have my book review ready for next week. So enjoying this new blogging program - now with my bloghop and yours, I have 2 weeks sorted, lol!

    As I said, if you post over this, I'll make a direct link to your story to save people's time.

    Denise

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    1. Thanks, Denise! I'll be over to visit soon.

      Happy to support and so glad you've joined mine as well. It's nice that we have a few participants in common, too - cross-pollination.

      I don't have any new posts planned until Sunday evening. I suppose it's possible that something else will come up before then but I don't anticipate that. If you'd rather go ahead and replace mine with a direct link, that's fine by me.

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  2. Cool. The tension level was high for such a short piece... I was worried she'd chicken out!

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    1. Thank you, Cyg. I haven't tried my hand at pure fiction in a while. This one was fun.

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  3. Reminded me of a story I'd heard in another writing group (the key difference is the absence of buttons). Of course, the idea of moving at all is one that resonates with me lately, as I've been doing a lot of that. You draw the tension well.

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    1. Absence of buttons? Now I'm curious.

      Thanks, Tony! Glad to see you've signed on for this one, too.

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    2. It was all about the ex-wife talking about various buttons that related to experiences she'd had that were now over, a general moving on piece about a relationship that had ended (though far more vindictive than yours).

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    3. I feel like I see a lot of that in narrative these days - memories associated with various objects in a collection.

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  4. Technically, as soon you write your story down, it's copyrighted. You don't have to do anything for that to take effect. Registering your copyright is a completely different thing.

    Man, she left the clock. Assuming she left. Because you don't actually go there, and, if there's one thing I've learned from comics, if there's no body, that character will be back. Sometimes, even when there is a body.

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    1. I'm assuming she left.

      That's the beauty of comics, isn't it? Nobody has to age and even death can be temporary.

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  5. I liked the way you built up the decision she has to make, it would be one way - no going back. A very brave lady to make the decision. That clock would confuse me!!

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    1. The clock is the one part that's drawn from my own life. My wife has a watch like that which is a copy of a clock in New York.

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  6. Two favorite lines:

    'Should she make the coffee?'

    and

    'Even a day like today still has weather,'

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    1. Thank you. As I hope you know, Suze, your encouragement is always appreciated.

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  7. Another escape, I liked reading this. Feeling her find the motivation to get up and go.

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  8. I liked the scattered nature of her thoughts- clearly struggling with this decision- but I didn't entirely understand her motive for leaving. And the rigor mortis line confused me. Really intriguing overall.

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    1. Thank you, Beverly!

      The reasons for leaving were intentionally vague. I wanted the story to be more about her resolve to leave than the reasons why. However, I did leave a few clues which I hoped would lead in a particular direction (the bottles on the table). I can see, though, that the reasons why would be good place to build more into the story.

      Rigor mortis - my intention there was two-fold. First, just extreme physical tension and stiffness. Second, a sense of slow death if she doesn't get moving already.

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  9. Loved it. Love how you said only questions ahead because yes, a million questions! Also, loved of course the slow buildup of suspense...would he wake up before she left? So good.

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  10. Well written. Great piece and I could feel her emotions.

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  11. I like your story. It made me wonder where she would go and how she would reshape her life.

    I disagree with your copyright assertion and can explain if it is important to you. You might look into creative commons licensing if you are interested in making your content freer in a license sense.

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    1. Thank you. I'm not too worried yet. I think the question, as intended in the challenge, is whether or not the work is previously published. I think. I'm still dabbling in this whole fiction thing. I do appreciate your looking out for me!

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  12. Interesting and engaging story. i'm often intrigued by writing that explores the inner workings of the mind, such as this is. Glad she went for it!

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  13. Liked the tone and the tension in the story. Interesting read.

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  14. Greetings
    Love your descriptions and how annoyed she is with her ex. I also love how she kept reminding herself that she shouldn't go back. Each step drawn out.

    Just a note. If you type copyright and the year, it is coopyrighted. No need to do anything else.

    My story is posted.
    Nancy

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  15. Loved the tone in your writing.
    What came through very clearly, even during her moments of delay, was her resolve to get up and leave, and that it had to be a one-way trip...
    I was left wondering, what was waiting for your MC once she upped and left?

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    1. It's a good question and I don't know the answer. Perhaps I'll explore that further one day...

      Thanks, Michelle!

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  16. Loved the indecivness here. It would be hard to walk away, no matter how abusive. Making that first decision is the hardest part though.

    Well done on the emotions.

    ......dhole

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  17. Hi, A.S.

    Nice to meet you!

    I really enjoyed the voice in your piece. Wonderful descriptions and tension. We've all been in relationships we needed to escape and the reality of her situation certainly is quite vivid.

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    1. Hello, Michael! It's great to meet you, too. Thank you for your comments as well.

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  18. Hello,

    I liked both the tone and the tension in this story, very convincing. However abusive, it's still hard to leave. That clock is inspirational, liked it specially.

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  19. Relationships, no matter how abusive or ugly they get, are always so difficult to move away from. Felt the tension and the indecision here.

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  20. Yup, it'd definitely hard to make up one's mind about whether to stay or go. Even when the decision to leave is best, it's still hard to make that final move as well. You did well in showing what an effort it took for her to get through the door.

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  21. I really like how you have made objects like the door knob and the clock play a part in her departure. 'No going back!'
    A door knob is featured in my story because door handles are different in the US and Europe. A clever cat (or dog) can actually open a door in Europe, but has a much harder time opening a door with an American door knob.
    In your story, the door knob seems to represent the end of an epoch for your protagonist. She decides that she is only going through that door once. A sign of fierce determination and strength of character!
    Thank you for visiting, reading and commenting on my story! I would not mind being a cat for a short time, but as you said, not just any cat, a cat with a cushy life!
    (I plan to give my cat story a happy ending.)
    Best wishes,
    Anna


    Anna's W-E-P-Challenge for September: Moving on...

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    1. Thank you, Anna! Thanks for following, too. Door knobs as intercultural insight - love it!

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  22. I really liked this story. It drew me in from the beginning. I was right there with her on that couch. My favorite lines? "Only questions ahead. Nothing but the wrong answers behind.' Have you heard of Toni Childs, the singer? She wrote and sang a song called "I've got to go now," and it speaks to the issue of a woman leaving an abusive husband in a way that made me hear why it is so hard sometimes for women to leave men like that of their own free will. I hadn't really understood it before. Great post! Thank you!

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    1. Thanks, Lisa! I don't know the song. I'll have to check that out.

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